Rohan woke up at the middle of the night and heard a loud tap on his window. Tap! Tap! Tap! He rubbed his eyes and removed his blinds to look outside. He could see a few yellow cabs go by and heard a faint siren going by. Rohan couldn’t figure out where the tap came from but, he was too tired to try to figure it out. Giving up, he decided to go back to sleep but, right before he could close his blinds – he saw it. It was there. An object glimmering in the street-light. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was but, it looked gold and shiny. A box maybe? It was the dead of night but, the glimmering box was so tempting. Rohan thought he could quietly open his door, run down the two story apartment, cross the street, grab the box and get back to bed without anyone noticing. He put on his house shoes and a hoodie. He tiptoed to the front door to not wake his mother. He saw the eerie stillness of the hallway and almost turned back but, he had to find the mysterious box! He ran as fast as he could down the apartment stairs and crossed the street. He could see the box getting bigger & bigger as he approached it. His head was spinning and he was thinking of all the possibilities of what this box could be. When he saw the box, he realized it wasn’t a box at all – it was a suitcase! Who would leave a suitcase across his street in the middle of the night? And, what did it contain? He had these questions but, had no time to come up with answers. He grabbed the suitcase and started crossing the street. He pried open the front door of the apartment and decided to take the elevator to the second floor. He got to his front-door. Coast was clear & his mother was still asleep. He carried the suitcase to his room since dragging it would be too noisy. Once he got to his room, he could finally open his treasure box (a suitcase). He slowly opened the zipper of the suitcase. As the suitcase became ajar, it started moving slowly. Rohan was too tired to notice it moving but, could feel a chill coming from inside. After the chill came, he heard a slight grunt coming from inside the suitcase. When he finally opened the suitcase, a hand creeped out and grabbed Rohan. Tap! Tap! Tap! the hand tapped Rohan’s floor as it grabbed him. Tap! Tap! Tap! Rohan could hear his window tapping again. He tried to fight but, could not get away from the suitcase. Tap! Tap! Tap! The noise kept getting worse and worse until that’s all Rohan heard and disappeared inside the mysterious suitcase.
Sweaty palms, worries, and a crippling sense of anxiety.
For our ancestors, fear meant to withdraw from danger. A hungry lion was in the bushes waiting for its meal and they had to survive. This fearful gene has been embedded so deeply in us that it hasn’t been able to keep up with how safe our world has now become. We no longer have hungry lions hunting us or the fear of not being able to survive till the next day. Now our fears are more internal. Fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of disappointing our family, and much more.
I was offered a job this week (yay) but, instead of joy – I have been crippled with fear. The joy is also there but, I am more fearful of things not working out. The job is a start-up so, I will be losing the comfort of an established company. It is a new sector for me altogether. It is with new people and everyone knows – I am scared of people.
Despite this fear, I know that I have to move forward. The fear is not real and on the other side of fear lies my future. We are taught to rely on our instincts and our “feelings” too much. Feeling fearful of something isn’t an indication of real danger. Sometimes, it may mean that you are actually moving forward.
Feel the fear and still do the damn thing!
Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe
Like the walls I have created are caving inside me
I feel the need to breakaway – somehow uproot myself – far away
I feel like someone cut my wings off and I can’t seem to fly away from the ground
I feel suffocated, heavy, and tied down
I wish I could feel like a rising phoenix – soar far away – soar up in the sky
I wish I didn’t care
I wish I felt free to be me
I wish I knew me
I wish I could fix my pain – sometimes I wish there was a medicine that could fix me
I wish I felt at peace – at home in my skin
I wish I didn’t feel the need to hide who I am
Sometimes I feel anger flowing through me
I wish I could drain it all away
I wish I was full of love and hope
I wish I knew what being free felt like
I wish i didn’t feel anxious – so choked up – that I can’t see
I wish my tears weren’t so familiar to me
I wish my mind would stop slowly killing me.
Happy New Year!
I haven’t written in awhile. I am not entirely sure how to share my content here so, more people see it. I also have been going through a phase where I do not really have much to say. To get a bit of a inspiration, I found a random writing prompt generator today. Linked at the end. The prompt that came up was quite relevant: “what do you really want to change about your life? how could you do it?”. The question is a bit heavy but, I found it to be relevant with the New Year.
New Year brings a burst of inspiration. We’re motivated and fired up. The “high” of this motivation may last a week or two at most but, eventually it wears off. Then we go back to our routines again. Back to binging T.V. shows, food, and other things that are not so great for our well-being. Not so great things are comfortable though. They are familiar and easy. They provide momentary comfort. They give us enough of a hit that we keep repeating the cycle. But, underneath that comfort crawls with regret, self-doubt, and humiliation. This manifests into self-loathing and we’re back to repeating the cycle again.
This year, what I really want to change is to be more disciplined. I want to be disciplined enough to follow through with long term goals. Sacrificing that brief brush with comfort to long term happiness. I want to stay committed to my goals and plans. I also want to have more self-control in general. I tend to be a bit impulsive. I eat what I want and I do whatever I want at the moment. Lately, I have realized that there needs to be a clear distinction on what you feel like doing isn’t necessarily what you should be doing. I plan on doing things that my future self will thank me for.
How do I plan on doing it? I am not sure yet. I know in terms of doing work, I need to silence my phone, have a designated work space, and really make sure to do the work that needs to be completed. Right now, my goal is to spend at least 2 – 3 hours on my coding bootcamp so, that is a measurable goal that I plan on working on.
What do you really want to change about your life? How could you do it?
Generate a writing prompt here: http://writingexercises.co.uk/subjectgenerator.php