In this world and age, heartbreak goes alongside Facebook. We cannot talk about getting over a breakup without mentioning social media. Going through a fairly bad break-up and seeing my ex get engaged has been a whirlwind. One smart thing I did was that I deleted my Facebook. I was feeling great. I was moving on. I was feeling super zen. I was empathetic and even grateful . But, this weekend I made the mistake of logging back into my Facebook. Facebook was almost a trigger for me. Once I logged in, I went through the normal process of looking through my ex’s profile and people he’s close to. I saw something I didn’t like and the negative spiraling began again. I found myself feeling unworthy and going back into that phase that I worked so hard to avoid. I didn’t want to feel sad anymore. I didn’t want to relive the scenarios and think of “what ifs’” again. I just wanted to move on but, going back on Facebook intensified my negative feelings. It made me feel unworthy, sad and depressed again. It reinstated my negative though pattern and loop and I found myself going back to imagining my ex with his new significant other. It drove me crazy. This happened on a Sunday and last night after work, I felt the worst I have felt in awhile.
That Monday, I had gone to the gym, I ate properly, I worked, I applied to jobs, I read for 30 mins and practiced my gratitude. But, at night all my negative emotions came back rushing in. I found myself praying to God to make the pain go away. To make it a bit easier on me. I didn’t know where these emotions were coming from but, I can tie it back to logging into Facebook again. It started on Sunday and yesterday, it just got so much worse. The loop of negative feelings were back to when I first started my healing process.
I deleted my Facebook again and I am still working through feeling better. Like my post from yesterday says, progress is not linear. We cannot expect it to be. It requires constant effort and betterment. I am trying to do just that. It’s not easy but, I hope I will get there someday. I can’t wait till one day I look back on this and it becomes a faint memory that has helped me become a better and a stronger person.
As I go through time, I get the harsh reminder that progress is not linear. As much as we would like to think it is and as nice as it would be to keep progressing. Most times, we relapse. We go back to our old ways. We relive the pain we thought we had gotten over. A lot of times we mistake progress to be a systematic process. Once you feel like you’re “over” something – it shouldn’t be painful right? It should get easier and a bit better? I have been finding that it isn’t always the case. After going through a terrible heartbreak this past summer, I went through a moment of peace around the end of October. I felt good. I felt zen. I felt super proud of myself for being able to let go and see the other person happy….or I thought that was the case. Yesterday, I found myself going back to the painful place. I kept picturing this person happy and it tortured me. It made me feel horrible and helpless. I kept picturing them with their new person and it made me feel worthless. I kept reliving our memories and it made me feel heartbroken all over again.
I thought I was over these feelings so, why were they resurfacing? Why was the pain coming up again? Why was I moving backwards?
I don’t know the exact answer but, I think it has to do with progress not being linear. Sometimes we go back to our old ways because that is what we’re used to. Staying heartbroken is EASIER than working through the mess and getting better. Being broken allows us to create excuses for other areas in our life. We can justify our failure and blame it on our heartbreak. We can justify our lowly efforts and blame it in this other person. But, our life is our responsibility. We don’t get to show up at the end of life and have excuses. We have to work through our heartbreak. As messy and painful it is, we have to keep going. Sometimes, we will relapse and go back and that is okay. The goal is to keep making progress in some way. It doesn’t have to always be linear and forward. It can be messy and backwards. It can be opening and closing of the wound – as long as the end result is healing. We can keep going.
These past few months , I have been dealing with failure. I usually have never really failed at anything. I was always a good student and I have been in school ever since I remember. My idea of failure was the occasional C’s in class and the occasional job rejection. These three months though have knocked the wind out of me. I have failed in pretty much all areas of life. I got rejected from 2 of my dream jobs that I interviewed for, I got rejected by someone I love and the most painful are the small failures. What are the small failures? It is the daily choice I make to be less than who I am capable of being.
The first two things I cannot control. I can’t control who hires me and who loves me. But, I can control my daily choices. I can control when I wake up, I can control to not hit the snooze button, I can control my addiction to my phone, I can control my propensity to spend hours on Instagram. I have control of these things but, still I choose failure. I choose to not wake up. I choose to be comfortable. I choose not to go to the gym. I choose misery.
Why do we do this? Is it because we’re comfortable where we’re at? Is it because we’re lazy? Is it because we’re scared of what we may become if we do make these choices?
The big failures are not my fault but, the little choices of failure I make in a daily basis is something I have full control over. I can choose to do better and be better. I can choose to work hard. I can choose to wake up earlier. I can choose to read instead of binging Netflix. I can choose to push myself out of this rut.
That is what I am going to do today and I will do tomorrow morning. Choose success in your daily choice. Do not fall victim to daily failures. Choose to do better.
“When you pray, move your feet” – African Proverb.
I am currently reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh titled “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching – Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation”. The title is a mouthful and I do not really know much about Buddhism. I am at the beginning of the book and one part of the book really struck me. The author writes that in order to heal, it is important to identify your pain. It is important for you to “diagnose” what is causing your pain similar to how a doctor would if you had physical pain in your body.
I think I am the type of person that wants to take a “healing pill” and get it over with. I don’t want to spend time identifying the pain nor talking about it. It would be much easier if I could just get over it and forget it. But, that is not how life works. It is important to recognize what is causing us pain to be able to heal from the pain. We cannot heal a physical imbalance without a proper diagnosis so, why do we expect to heal a spiritual or emotional imbalance without first learning about it? I am guessing it has to do with our egos. We don’t want to admit that we let this thing cause us pain so, we would rather ignore it and hope it magically heals itself and goes away.
So, consistent with my new ode to complete ownership and honesty – here is what is causing my pain: it is attachment to someone and it is the feeling of rejection. I feel rejected by someone and it hurts. There is no poetic way to phrase that sentence – it stings and that’s the truth. I am attached to someone and that attachment leads to to feeling rejected. The cycle is very ironic – I think the Buddha would enjoy this a little bit at least.
I encourage you to identify your pain. Only by identifying it, you can learn from it and begin to heal it. It isn’t going to be easy to admit it and maybe you’ll go through the pain all over again but, think of your doctor diagnosing you for a cold or a headache. Only after the diagnosis can he prescribe you with medication that will heal you. Only after recognizing your pain can you really take the true path of healing.
The past few months of my life have been a blur. A blur created by me distracting myself through binging Netflix, YouTube, sleeping way too much, and occasionally drinking a bit too much. Why did this happen? This summer I went through my first official heartbreak. An adult heartbreak. End of a six year relationship heartbreak. A pain so intense that I didn’t expect it to impact me the way it has. I was always the girl that dismissed “heartbroken” people. I thought they were being overly dramatic. I mean there are bigger things in life (poverty, war, death, serial killers…etc). I thought people were weak to consider heartbreak a tragedy. I mean come on….there were worse pains in the world right? But, going through it – it has been one of the worst pains I have felt in my life. This summer I also lost my grandmother, who lived a very happy and a long life. I almost feel ashamed to admit this but, the heartbreak was more painful than death of my grandmother. I feel horrible just admitting that but, it is true. Heartbreak feels engulfing and the pain feels unbearable. It has been a few weeks and I haven’t felt overly sad because, I have numbed myself to the pain. We often think numbing equals drugs or alcohol but, it also is constant stimulation. I find myself being unable to be in silence. Every second of my day has to have a background noise of music, podcast, YouTube videos, the same Friends episode I have watched 1000 times, and other noise. I am unable to be alone even when I am by myself. Even when I shower, I find myself needing some noise in the background. It is almost like I am too scared to be alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Too scared to get the pain get to me.
I started this blog because I want to get better. I want to heal. I don’t want to be a victim of my heartbreak and I don’t want to use it as an excuse to ruin my life. I am not doing this for “revenge”. I actually don’t believe in getting “revenge” towards your ex. I don’t resent my ex nor do I have anything negative to say about him (more on that later). But, I want to do well because I owe it to myself. I don’t want to be sad person who used one unfortunate event in her life to create a life of excuses. I want to be better. I want to heal. I want to become successful and most importantly, I want to help others through my pain. All my life, I have been scared to open up. I get scared that if I open up, people will judge my flaws. Being vulnerable is so intimidating to me but, I am learning to be open and out there. To expose my wounds and myself to the world so, I can reach people.
I have learned a lot within these few weeks and I want to spend some time sharing those lessons here. I am not fully there yet and I am not perfect so, I don’t want to give advice. I just want to share my journey in getting better.
I am just a person trying to get better day by day. I don’t have a specific message but, I created this space so I could hold myself accountable for taking ownership of my own life. I don’t believe in being a victim and I want to get better. I hope this space motivates me to do just that.