Is Closure a Requirement?

Closure.

You probably have heard of that at some point in your life. Maybe you got your heartbroken and spent many nights wanting for closure. Or, maybe you broke someone’s heart and they requested you for a closure that you weren’t able to provide. Both parts are difficult and wanting closure is a very normal thing.

A lot of conversations about breakups revolve around closure. People often say things like “of course you’re hurt, you didn’t have any closure!” which leads us to believe that closure will be the key to fixing our broken heart. We look for closure as if it will provide a light to our darkness and maybe some sort of remedy to our pain. We seek that explanation that would fix everything – a neat conclusion to our story that would allow us to turn the page and move on.

But, that isn’t reality. Our world is not black and white. Any explanation that is provided will not suffice and will not be enough to move on.

That leads us to think, is closure imperative to move on?  Is it like the final ribbon we need to add to our relationship to completely wrap it up and be done with it? Will it alleviate our heartbreak?

I am here to tell you that closure is not real and you do not need closure to move on. And, even better than that – that is a GOOD thing.

Not requiring closure puts you in control. You are not waiting for permission from someone to be able to move on. You can do that all by yourself.

When I think of my previous relationship, there are times where I have wanted to ask my ex for a closure. I wanted to send that text and wait for a response. I wanted to ask why or how could he move on so quickly. But, the more honest I was with myself – the more I realized that what I wanted was not closure, what I wanted was contact. I was holding on to some type of relationship that I still had with my ex. That request for closure would lead to a conversation and would reassure me that at one point we did have something. It would ensure that even if he was not in my life anymore, I could still hold on to some shred of relationship that we had together.

So, whenever you want closure – ask yourself – do you want closure or do you want contact?

Are you doing everything in your power to have some type of relationship with your ex? Even if it is toxic, one-sided, and painful – are you holding on to that as a way of reassuring yourself that you are still a part of their life? If so, please give yourself permission to let go. Tell yourself that you are more than capable of moving on from something without a formal closure. That you have all the tools that you need to let go of a relationship.

Overall, please be reassured that you do not need contact with your ex to survive. You can gracefully let go of a relationship. It seems difficult but, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and also for your ex. Imagine you wanting to let go of a relationship and someone forcing you to stay in it. How difficult would that be for you? Give the gift of grace & let them freely live their life. They deserve to do that and in return, you will be free to live your life in your own accord.

Healing is a choice & closure is not required here at all.

An App for Heartbreak?

After going through a fairly terrible heartbreak this Summer, I was on a quest to find a solution. I am a fairly logical person and I think break-ups are a part of life. Still, an end of a 6 year relationship was too devastating to use logic (even for me). I spent a lot of my time googling “how to get over a heartbreak” and listening to countless hours of YouTube videos. Some of them advocated for posting your best selfies in Instagram to show how well you’re doing without your ex and some just concluded only time could heal wounds.

I didn’t like either of those ways.

Yes, time is the only thing that heals breakups but, there are ways to cope with it that are much more healthier. Break-up is an obstacle we face that may cause us to feel extreme emotional pain. This pain needs to be taken seriously and be dealt with in the most healthiest way possible.

That is when I found Mend. Mend is a self-care app that helps people with heartbreak. Each day you go into the app and listen to a snippet that explains how we may be feeling. The person who reads the snippet to you has the most soothing voice ever (which helps). Mend was created by Elle Huerta who herself went through a difficult break-up and wanted a more healthier and better way to deal with heartbreak. And, she’s a Latina. Like, how perfect? 🙂

I have been using Mend for over a week and it truly helps me start my day off correctly. Whenever I listen to the daily lesson, it reminds me that my pain is not unprecedented. We all have gone through similar pains and heartbreaks. We have all dealt with difficulties. Although there might not be a pill to take and completely bypass our feelings – there are healthier ways to deal with heartbreaks. You do not have to succumb to resentment or anger and you can actually learn to be grateful for your ex (plays thank u, next by Ariana Grande).

Mend helps me take a better approach to heartbreak. I do not want to be a victim. I do not want to be bitter. I want to let go of my relationship gracefully with love and kindness. That is exactly what Mend is helping me do.

Despite all this, it would be careless for me to not mention how difficult the process actually is. There are days where I fall victim to the occasional social media stalking. There are days I cry myself to sleep at night. There are many days where I have to catch myself from crying at my desk at work. The pain is real and that is okay. We can accept the pain and treat the pain with kindness and love. We can embrace the pain and use healthy tools like Mend to help us heal in the way.

Happy healing.

Mend: https://www.letsmend.com/

Elle Huerta: https://www.instagram.com/ellenhuerta/?hl=en

Not anyway sponsored by Mend…..I wish though =)

Daily Routine

Lately, I have been trying a daily routine. Waking up at 5 AM was a bit difficult for me but, I still thought of the main things I wanted to accomplish each day along with having a productive day at my job:

  • Read for 30 mins everyday
  • Work out everyday
  • Do one productive thing non-work related but, career focused each day
  • Practice Gratitude
  • Meditate

I have been doing all 4 except for the meditate part. I haven’t yet gotten into meditation yet but, I am trying to get there. These few things I do each day has played a part in how I feel. Literally, all self-help books and motivational gurus say to do these things. It’s funny how we know exactly what to do but, we still avoid it. Why do we delay things that may actually make us happy? Like, why can’t I just sit down and learn how to meditate? Everyone has said it will make me feel better.

Here is to pushing ourselves to do things that we know will help us and stop this process of self-sabotage.

Alma.

Progress is not linear

As I go through time, I get the harsh reminder that progress is not linear. As much as we would like to think it is and as nice as it would be to keep progressing. Most times, we relapse. We go back to our old ways. We relive the pain we thought we had gotten over. A lot of times we mistake progress to be a systematic process. Once you feel like you’re “over” something – it shouldn’t be painful right? It should get easier and a bit better? I have been finding that it isn’t always the case. After going through a terrible heartbreak this past summer, I went through a moment of peace around the end of October. I felt good. I felt zen. I felt super proud of myself for being able to let go and see the other person happy….or I thought that was the case. Yesterday, I found myself going back to the painful place. I kept picturing this person happy and it tortured me. It made me feel horrible and helpless. I kept picturing them with their new person and it made me feel worthless. I kept reliving our memories and it made me feel heartbroken all over again.

I thought I was over these feelings so, why were they resurfacing? Why was the pain coming up again? Why was I moving backwards?

I don’t know the exact answer but, I think it has to do with progress not being linear. Sometimes we go back to our old ways because that is what we’re used to. Staying heartbroken is EASIER than working through the mess and getting better. Being broken allows us to create excuses for other areas in our life. We can justify our failure and blame it on our heartbreak. We can justify our lowly efforts and blame it in this other person. But, our life is our responsibility. We don’t get to show up at the end of life and have excuses. We have to work through our heartbreak. As messy and painful it is, we have to keep going. Sometimes, we will relapse and go back and that is okay. The goal is to keep making progress in some way. It doesn’t have to always be linear and forward. It can be messy and backwards. It can be opening and closing of the wound – as long as the end result is healing. We can keep going.

Alma.