Is Closure a Requirement?

Closure.

You probably have heard of that at some point in your life. Maybe you got your heartbroken and spent many nights wanting for closure. Or, maybe you broke someone’s heart and they requested you for a closure that you weren’t able to provide. Both parts are difficult and wanting closure is a very normal thing.

A lot of conversations about breakups revolve around closure. People often say things like “of course you’re hurt, you didn’t have any closure!” which leads us to believe that closure will be the key to fixing our broken heart. We look for closure as if it will provide a light to our darkness and maybe some sort of remedy to our pain. We seek that explanation that would fix everything – a neat conclusion to our story that would allow us to turn the page and move on.

But, that isn’t reality. Our world is not black and white. Any explanation that is provided will not suffice and will not be enough to move on.

That leads us to think, is closure imperative to move on?  Is it like the final ribbon we need to add to our relationship to completely wrap it up and be done with it? Will it alleviate our heartbreak?

I am here to tell you that closure is not real and you do not need closure to move on. And, even better than that – that is a GOOD thing.

Not requiring closure puts you in control. You are not waiting for permission from someone to be able to move on. You can do that all by yourself.

When I think of my previous relationship, there are times where I have wanted to ask my ex for a closure. I wanted to send that text and wait for a response. I wanted to ask why or how could he move on so quickly. But, the more honest I was with myself – the more I realized that what I wanted was not closure, what I wanted was contact. I was holding on to some type of relationship that I still had with my ex. That request for closure would lead to a conversation and would reassure me that at one point we did have something. It would ensure that even if he was not in my life anymore, I could still hold on to some shred of relationship that we had together.

So, whenever you want closure – ask yourself – do you want closure or do you want contact?

Are you doing everything in your power to have some type of relationship with your ex? Even if it is toxic, one-sided, and painful – are you holding on to that as a way of reassuring yourself that you are still a part of their life? If so, please give yourself permission to let go. Tell yourself that you are more than capable of moving on from something without a formal closure. That you have all the tools that you need to let go of a relationship.

Overall, please be reassured that you do not need contact with your ex to survive. You can gracefully let go of a relationship. It seems difficult but, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and also for your ex. Imagine you wanting to let go of a relationship and someone forcing you to stay in it. How difficult would that be for you? Give the gift of grace & let them freely live their life. They deserve to do that and in return, you will be free to live your life in your own accord.

Healing is a choice & closure is not required here at all.

Man’s Search For Meaning

Lately, I have been reading more. This year, I have read 14 books and they have all changed my viewpoint / thinking in one way or another. Reading really makes us realize that we aren’t alone and our pain is mostly universal. I recently read a book that changed my thinking profoundly. The book is called “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl.

Viktor Frankel was an Australian neurologist / psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor. He survived three Nazi concentration camps including Auschwitz. The struggles in his life are obviously hard to compare. When he was released from the camp, he found out his entire family including his wife was killed in concentration camps. Being passionate about neurology, he writes honestly about his thought process and mindset surviving one of the most horrific times in history.

The book is a gem and it will take forever to summarize the message it conveys but, I have summarized what I have learned and what resonated with me.

  1. You cannot control what happens to you but, you can control your response: You cannot control what happens in life and the injustices you will endure. Maybe you will be a victim of a horrific crime such as Mr. Frankl himself or face other tragedies in life like death of a loved one, a broken heart, failure in a job, an accident, and many others. These tragedies can make us extremely bitter and broken or they can be used as transformative tools to make us better human beings. We can use our pain in a way that allows us to be successful and happy. Sometimes the most horrific things we go through sets up us to be who we didn’t think we were capable of being and in turn makes us more understanding, empathetic and overall better human beings.

 

  1. Suffering is a necessary part of life: Suffering exists with life. We cannot avoid suffering and happiness cannot be attained without suffering. Suffering here does not mean self-inflicted pain (he strongly encourages you to avoid suffering if possible) but, when you do suffer – it is actually a good thing. A blessing in disguise of some sort. He says that a person isn’t supposed to be “free from suffering” rather, he should suffer for a meaningful or a freely chosen goal. Only then, can he truly be happy. This pursuit of “meaning” leads us to happiness.

 

  1. Serving others leads you to find yourself: Transcendence of self is the only way to reach enlightenment. You can meditate and be spiritual as long as you want but, if you do not dedicate your life in pursuit of making it better for someone else – enlightenment is hard to obtain. Be selfless and enlightenment will find you. I agree with this partially but, I think self-love and self-care goes hand in hand. We cannot serve others if we’re not happy in the first place.

These are just small things I learned from the book. The book is profound and I encourage everyone to read it.

If you have read it – what were the lessons you learned from it?

Alma.

Daily Routine

Lately, I have been trying a daily routine. Waking up at 5 AM was a bit difficult for me but, I still thought of the main things I wanted to accomplish each day along with having a productive day at my job:

  • Read for 30 mins everyday
  • Work out everyday
  • Do one productive thing non-work related but, career focused each day
  • Practice Gratitude
  • Meditate

I have been doing all 4 except for the meditate part. I haven’t yet gotten into meditation yet but, I am trying to get there. These few things I do each day has played a part in how I feel. Literally, all self-help books and motivational gurus say to do these things. It’s funny how we know exactly what to do but, we still avoid it. Why do we delay things that may actually make us happy? Like, why can’t I just sit down and learn how to meditate? Everyone has said it will make me feel better.

Here is to pushing ourselves to do things that we know will help us and stop this process of self-sabotage.

Alma.

identify your pain

I am currently reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh titled “The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching – Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation”. The title is a mouthful and I do not really know much about Buddhism. I am at the beginning of the book and one part of the book really struck me. The author writes that in order to heal, it is important to identify your pain. It is important for you to “diagnose” what is causing your pain similar to how a doctor would if you had physical pain in your body.

I think I am the type of person that wants to take a “healing pill” and get it over with. I don’t want to spend time identifying the pain nor talking about it. It would be much easier if I could just get over it and forget it. But, that is not how life works. It is important to recognize what is causing us pain to be able to heal from the pain. We cannot heal a physical imbalance without a proper diagnosis so, why do we expect to heal a spiritual or emotional imbalance without first learning about it? I am guessing it has to do with our egos. We don’t want to admit that we let this thing cause us pain so, we would rather ignore it and hope it magically heals itself and goes away.

So, consistent with my new ode to complete ownership and honesty – here is what is causing my pain: it is attachment to someone and it is the feeling of rejection. I feel rejected by someone and it hurts. There is no poetic way to phrase that sentence – it stings and that’s the truth. I am attached to someone and that attachment leads to to feeling rejected. The cycle is very ironic – I think the Buddha would enjoy this a little bit at least.

I encourage you to identify your pain. Only by identifying it, you can learn from it and begin to heal it. It isn’t going to be easy to admit it and maybe you’ll go through the pain all over again but, think of your doctor diagnosing you for a cold or a headache. Only after the diagnosis can he prescribe you with medication that will heal you. Only after recognizing your pain can you really take the true path of healing.

Alma,